24

I thought 24 would be boring. A filler year. A year with no novel experiences.

My dog died a few days after my birthday and I grieved in different ways that I didn’t realize was grief until recently.

I wanted to get over someone so I got back on the apps after being off of them for a few years. I immediately started matching with people and going on dates. I entered a seasonal situationship that destroyed me emotionally. I’m still piecing myself back together.

Dating after the situationship was very intentional. I had to ask myself what it was that I truly wanted. What were my non-negotiables? Where did I want a relationship to lead? How could I not waste my time again?

My recent dates have completely changed my perspective on relationships. Relationships require effort. I don’t like effort.

I’d rather be single. I need to learn how to be completely single.

I’m trying to figure out what it is I was chasing after. Love? Companionship? The fear of being alone?

I’ve realized that I don’t have the capacity for a relationship for where I am in my life. I have goals and dreams that don’t include another person.

I’ve never envied the relationships of others. I don’t have a desire to be possessed by anyone. I don’t want someone in my space for an extended period of time.

I love my life. I love my freedom. I love that I’ve learned the difference between being alone and being lonely.

I’ve learned that maybe I should say no to dates. I’ve been off the apps and have no plans to find romantic dates on them going forward. I’ve been meeting people organically but I probably should avoid spaces where people are intentionally looking for love.

I love myself. I realize that now. 24 was the year I truly learned to love myself and my own company.

That frontal lobe development is something serious.