home

I didn’t start furnishing my apartment until seven months into my lease.

I had several reasons. I feared losing my space again. I didn’t have money to waste. I was scared to get comfortable.

But mainly, I avoided furnishing my apartment because I was never home.

Outside of being at work, I frequented the parks around the city, tried different restaurants, and perfected being a tourist in my own city. I’ve grown to love city life and wouldn’t trade it for a suburban or rural life.

I love being outside but eventually I have to go home.

Home is where my feelings catch up to me.

Home is where I’m forced to face my demons.

Home is where I feel empty inside.

I find it hard to pick a hobby or to just sit and be still because I’d rather run the streets than have my mind run at a million miles an hour.

I don’t know if buying new furniture would help. I don’t know if investing in items for different hobbies would help. I don’t know if having a roommate, partner, or company would help.

I used to be an introvert that was easily entertained by binge watching, listening to albums, and reading different book series. Now, I pick and choose which source of entertainment to indulge in because they all feel like a waste of my time. It’s all shows and movies that I won’t remember the plot of, music I won’t remember the lyrics to, and books that I’ll easily forget about reading.

Being at home feels like I’m wasting my time. I have so many options of what I could do that I end up doing nothing. Nothing except worsening my mental health by dwelling on past situations, spending money for a quick dopamine hit, or planning what I’ll do outside next.

I don’t have a solution. My goal is to feel less miserable and feel comfortable being in my space. I shouldn’t feel the need to run from somewhere I’m paying to be.

One day I hope to feel at home and not like I’m just an extrovert with an apartment.